


Control

by BasicallySnakespere



Series: vent pieces [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Dysphoria, Eating Disorders, Insecurity, Nonbinary Deceit | Janus Sanders, Self-Harm, Vent Piece, but it happens, fat phobia, not described in detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29679591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasicallySnakespere/pseuds/BasicallySnakespere
Summary: a short vent piece I wrote a while ago about my struggles with body image and eating disorders
Series: vent pieces [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180922
Kudos: 10





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> please be careful when reading this, it is a vent piece, so if anything around eating disorders or struggles with body image, or bullying are triggering for you, proceed with caution.
> 
> this is based off of my own experiences through junior high, so please be respectful in the comments.

When Janus was in seventh grade, they tried out for the basketball team. They’d never played before, but both Roman and Remus had, and they both enjoyed it. Sure, they’d be on a girl’s team instead of a boy’s, but it would still be fun, right?

Wrong, they were so very, very wrong. They ended up on c team, which they expected since they’d never played before. But that first practice, surrounded by sniffling, teary-eyed girls who thought they were basketball prodigies, they started to realize just how wrong they were.

They really should have seen the signs, but things only went downhill from there. Once it was apparent they had no clue how to play, they were quickly cast aside, only being involved when the coach made people pass to them. Then the whispers started.

They’d always changed in a stall, never feeling comfortable enough in their body to change in front of other people, but they could hear just fine from the cramped, smelly stall.

“Why’d she even try out if she can’t play? Everyone knows she’s no good.”

“Probably to lose weight, didn’t you see how she jiggles every time she moves? She must have realized how people stare at her fat ass.”

They hid in the stall for the rest of practice, feeling nauseous. They knew they were slightly chubby, but was it that noticeable? Did people really think they needed to lose weight?

They went home that day and cried, huddled on their bed, wrapped in enough blankets to suffocate themself.

The next day, they showed up to practice, changed in the stall, and ignored their teammates, pretending they didn’t care about the jeering, mocking laughter, the comments when the coaches were just out of earshot, the after-school plans they were always left out of.

They told themself it didn’t matter what they thought, what anyone thought of them.

They carried that attitude with them, because maybe if they lied to themself enough, they’d believe it.

It didn’t matter that the other girls hated them, didn’t matter that they only got curvier when puberty hit, didn’t matter when the first scar appeared on their thighs, hidden amongst those awful stretch marks. They didn’t care when one scar turned to two, or three. Didn’t matter when they stopped wearing anything that accentuated their body, instead sticking to loose, baggy jumpers. They didn’t care, really. It didn’t affect them and everything was just fine.

Really, it was.

So what if during ninth-grade they started skipping lunch? They just didn’t have enough time in the mornings to pack one, and it wasn’t like they were in danger of starving any time soon.

When someone asked, they’d insist they were fine. Yes, Roman, I’ll eat something when I get home. No Patton, I don’t need an extra helping. Remus, why would I ever secretly practice cannibalism?

No one noticed that they ate less and less. They told no one about how even the thought of food made them nauseous, just like that awful day, hiding in a disgusting locker room stall.

They weren’t stupid, they knew they needed food to live, (not that they felt too strongly about the matter) so they’d force themself to eat at least once a day, preferably when Patton was there so he’d get off their back.

They had everything under control, thank you very much. They weren’t starving themself, they didn’t flinch when people brought up weight, didn’t hesitate when asked about their shirt size, and they definitely didn’t have an eating disorder, so mind your own business.

They told themself it was fine, and they started to believe it. They didn’t notice Patton’s concerned glances, or how Roman hesitated when asking about their day, or how Remus got quiet around them, even though Remus was never quiet!

Nothing had changed, they knew. Checking in the mirror, they still saw too many stretch marks, too much of a tummy, too noticeable breasts, though they weren’t sure if that felt wrong because of dysphoria or just because they were still that too-pudgy seventh-grader, only taller, their curves more defined.

If they let themself be honest, they hated it. All of it. But they didn’t. They learned to lie, convincing everyone they were fine. They got good enough they even managed to convince themself.

Did they ever really believe it?

Honestly, they were fine, why would you even ask?

Just don’t look too close, and you can ignore the cracks.

Everything was under control.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to end this by saying though i wasn't in a great place when i wrote this, I'm doing much better now. Both with how I see my body and my struggles with eating. Between my struggles with my weight and really bad texture issues, for a long time I struggled to eat just about anything. I hated the way I looked, and between my dysphoria and the bullying I received during junior high, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I ended up switching to a whole new school for high school, where the environment was much better. I'm going to therapy now, and even though I still have bad days, and my mental health isn't perfect, I'm in a much better place emotionally. I can be confident with my body and how I look. I can look in the mirror without wanting to cry or puke. Most days I even like how I look. I've gotten better at eating full, regular meals, and even though I still have those texture issues, I'm still able to get nutrients for the day. I still have struggles with my weight, and how I'll probably never be as slim or skinny as the girls at school are, I've come to terms with that and found ways to love and accept my body, and I'm taking much better care of it now.
> 
> If anyone out there reading this has similar struggles, you're not alone. Feel free to talk in the comments, or reach out to your friends and loved as. As someone who's lived through it, I can really say that it gets better.
> 
> stay safe y'all. <3


End file.
